I find myself falling, tumbling, crashing and breaking into a million pieces…each of which is pulled in sundry directions. Bittersweet is the only word that forms on the tip of my tongue, hardly adequate to describe the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Inevitable. The moment you become comfortable, it’s time to change again. Life is never static, always dynamically fluid.

Tears threaten daily as I sit at my desk feeling alone, but surrounded by people I’ve grown fond of over the short 300-something days. The ominous tears have one of two choices when I set foot in my classroom as my precious students greet me, Teacha Christin–fall in utter joy or disappear to return in sadness when the spotlight dims and my teacher-smile fades.

I don’t want to leave. But I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to go home. But I don’t want to be away another minute. It’s as if my entire heart is torn in two…caught in the middle of two completely and utterly opposite worlds, stuck in limbo between two vastly different dreams. A polarized dichotomy.

Polarized? Eh, too strong. To clarify, my heart is a lucky victim of this beautiful magnetism between it and another. I can’t help but draw near to the One who orders my steps. Light up my path, O God, because it’s so easy to remain in the comfort of the dark.

This beautiful magnetism indeed pulls my heart toward the stability and security of a certain soul whom I can’t help but fall for over and over again. This current world lacks him, and the simple lack of him is more to me than the presence of others. My hand can’t hold itself…I need him.

I can’t even successfully hold a conversation with the home-dwellers without an argument or regretted word…without revealing the cracks in my heart and the doubt in my tone. What do you want from me? You can’t understand these feelings. I’m like a self-proclaimed martyr with some twisted sense of self-entitled displacement. Feelings of emotional isolation are self-inflicted. That’s gotta go.

I’m different. You can’t fully grasp it. I’ll be fine. I’m saying my goodbyes, and I’m returning to the world I left so hastily 300-somethings ago.

I’m a boomerang.

I’m out. //Cwalk