Wow. Really, as soon as I typed the words “Jehovah Jireh” as the title of this blog, my eyes welled up with tears. I can’t really tell if they’re happy tears or sad tears though. Much like my life, I feel like my emotions are just one big jumbled mess, and I can’t even find the words to describe how I feel. The idea of God being my provider absolutely blows my mind. These tears right now are coming straight from my heart, but I can’t tell whether they are tears of sheer gratitude or complete need…or both. I feel guilty for crying because I’m so blessed, and God has provided so much for me and more than I ever could have imagined. I mean look at me: I’m living across the world, teaching and making enough money to travel and save for my post-college life full of car payments, bills, and grad school. I couldn’t ask for a better opportunity. But at the same time, I still desperately need God to come through for me in different ways, and at times, I find myself begging for him to intervene and provide.

The name “Jehovah Jireh” actually comes from Genesis 22:14 where Abraham is about to sacrifice Isaac, his only son on Mt. Moriah. But God provides a ram in the bushes to be the burnt offering instead of Isaac. God saw Abraham’s faith and willingness to obey and intervened just in time to save Isaac and demonstrate his sovereignty. Sometimes I feel like God does that with me…he waits until the last second or holds off until my heart is completely trusting in Him, and then he finally shows off and pull off something only He could do (a miracle). And that’s awesome.

I know God is continually teaching me patience. (Note: NEVER get the word “patience” tattooed on your body…that’s like asking for God to make you wait.) So, it’s no secret that I’m constantly being taught patience…but I really just feel like God’s been ignoring a specific prayer I’ve been praying since June. I mean, I’ve prayed my heart out for this one thing, and at times it seems as though things will work out…but then it all comes crashing down and everything goes back to square one. I’ve found myself spiritually giving up at times because I’ve just felt like my prayers were falling on deaf ears. That’s awful right? I understand that sometimes God’s answer is “wait” but it’s tiring, yall. Sometimes I just think, “God, you know what I’m going to pray for…and you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do anyway, what’s the point?” I’m sure your thinking, “Gah, Christin needs to work on that faith,” but I mean, I’m being honest and transparent here. If God is my Jehovah Jireh, why isn’t this “thing” I’m so desperately praying for being provided?

But God works in his own time, not mine. For a few weeks I’ve been talking to my mom about giving my tithe money to a friend who’s going on a mission trip to Israel. I’ve been to Israel and it’s a-mazing. It’s life-changing to walk where Jesus walked, pray where Jesus prayed, be baptized where Jesus was baptized. So obviously, I’m all about helping someone share in that experience with me. So my theology is that 10% of my wages is God’s (all of it really, let’s be serious here), so I have no qualms about giving my tithe to things I believe further His Kingdom. AKA: My friend’s trip. So anyway, I just couldn’t help but tell her about what I was planning to do last night over Facebook chat because she seemed really worried about raising all of the money she needed. Even over IM I could feel how God worked through me in her situation and how God was somehow proving His faithfulness through my tithe. I was just obeying what I felt like He wanted me to do, and it was so great being able to see the blessings come out of it…and that’s just the beginning! After she gets back from Israel and we can share our experiences together, more blessings are just on the way!

So all that to say, I don’t understand why I still lack faith. Why do I still doubt? I feel like saying “Oh I’m human, that’s why” is SUCH a cop out! Everyday I say, “God’s gonna work it out. God’s got a plan. It’s in God’s timing, not ours. God knows what he’s doing…” I say it, but I feel like I don’t truly believe it half the time. UGh. It’s so frustrating. I know God is Jehovah Jireh…I’m just impatient and I want it NOW. And I’m sure that’s my happy spiritual lesson that I’m being taught presently.

This whole Christian life is hard to live out….

I’m out. //Cwalk.